Silence. With a capital "S".

Somehow I've ended up single and childless yet with a child very much like me as a teen. OMG. How the heck did that happen? Oh, yeah...I joined Big Brothers Big Sisters. I have no idea what to do with Shanni. She's just a bundle of raw nerves and crazy emotions. I can so relate to what she's feeling. I was an emotional mess myself at her age. I just don't know what to do or say when she falls apart. Nothing I do seems to help, and only makes it worse. So I just sit there and listen. It's just so hard because I know what's on the other side of all that emotion and chaos...it's just something you can see at twelve, almost thirteen. But, Oh, the melodrama! Her Aunt yelled at her yesterday, and called her lazy. (Actually, she called Shanni and her siblings lazy.) Not cause for a meltdown, but this is Shanni. A child whose parents never yell at her, and are pretty lax in discipline, rules, etc. The truth of the matter is that Shanni is lazy. As are her siblings. They've learned to be so from their parents (both households). So the house and yard aren't very well maintained. Unless they're having company over for a holiday, and then it's clean-clean-clean like mad for days. I know, because I'm family enough I've been recruited for those events. [g] Since they are now moving (long story short, they gave up their house in the bankruptcy, and are having a different home brought in) Mom has decided it's time to start fresh. Sunday Shanni's Aunt D and family (think Brady Bunch, only 5 girls and 1 boy) descended to clean the yard. I didn't show up until early afternoon, and just in time for the fireworks. [g] It was all I could do later on not to laugh when Shanni was presenting to her mother all her grievances against Aunt D. Especially when she started in on "Aunt D didn't take into consideration that I have a job, or the dogs, or the wind, or that we concentrate on the inside of the house so much..." OMG. That "take into consideration" part sounds so like me. At this point her Mom stopped her and went "How many days in July have you worked?" Silence. With a Capital S. Her mom held up one finger. "One day." Then she looked around the room, raised an eyebrow and continued "You've been concentrating on the inside?" Silence. Again, with a Capital S. "It doesn't look clean to me." By this point I was sitting hunched up in my chair, face turned away, because I really wanted to laugh at the dumbstruck looks on the girl's faces. M doesn't usually call them on their crap. I do, but their Mom doesn't. I wanted to cheer her on. I'd already been over this with Shannon earlier that afternoon. And I've told her on numerous occasions that she should do more around the house. She's learned the rules at my house, although I have to remind her a lot. I don't yell, I just remind her calmly to throw stuff away, or rinse her dishes and put them in the dishwasher...But then again, I only have her with me once a week. If it was daily I might lose my mind. [g] Anyway. I do my best not to let Shanni get away with her flights of fancy...I'll let her have her little fits. I ignore her, turn up the music, read, stuff like that, until she's calmer and then we talk rationally about stuff. Mostly I just ask her questions to try to get her to think through why she's so upset. Honestly, she doesn't have these breakdowns with me, unless they've started before I show up. There are numerous reasons for that, the largest one I'm not mom, followed by the fact I see it coming and say "Don't even start that with me. You'll only ruin your afternoon, not mine." And have proven the point. I've tried to tell M. we can't baby Shanni through these. Let her have her melt down and talk to her afterward. Trying to cajole her into a better mood only feeds into the meltdown. Maybe I'm just too harsh. I don't know. It's nerve-wracking. Anyway. By the time I got home I was exhausted. And extremely thankful for the Blessed Silence of my home. With a Capital S!!! At least her mom has her seeing a counselor. Maybe she can help Shanni learn how to deal with her emotions and anger issues. I definitely think some physical activity will help tremendously. Keep your fingers crossed we get into the YMCA for the Single Parent Family Rate. Then I think I'll make a weekly date with Shanni to go to the Y, in addition to our usual weekend outing. P.S. Did I mention the lettuce is coming up? Just a few little leaves poking through the dirt. Man, I'm going to go crazy waiting for all this stuff to get big enough to eat. How do people stand this?

Jedi Mind Tricks

Debrief (3/24-30): 1x Arms, 1x Abs, 20 min Walk (w/the Dog!!)
Goal (3/31-4/6): 3x Arms, 3x Abs, Gym Night (Big Brothers Big Sisters)
Sitrep: 1x Arms, 1x Abs

I'm sure any one reading this is aware by now that I've been seriously slacking on the exercise and eating the last three months. I'm slowly getting back into REVing, and noticed something. Even if I haven't exercised for weeks, about 5 minutes into the workout I start feeling slimmer, more compact...I look at myself and look slimmer, more toned. I've been pondering this for awhile now and think it's one of two things:

1. A Jedi Mind Trick (hey, I'm no Toydarian, I'm susceptible.)
2. I'm actually seeing myself as I really am

As much as I'd rather believe there are Jedi in the world, I'm thinking it's the latter choice. [g] All kidding aside, it's a very strange phenomenon. I know that I don't see myself as I really am when I look in the mirror. It's something I've struggled with since high school...when I was a size 7 and thought I was fat. Now I'm a size 12/14 and am semi-okay with that. (Oh, the irony!!!) But when I look at myself while I'm exercising or just after working out, I see myself as I really am, I think. Oh, I'm not saying I'm in super shape or model thin. But I'm not some big giant blob either. Yes I'm still out of shape. Stamina, muscle tone, weight - all need work. But I'm not Jabba the Hutt. ;)

It's kinda weird, and I wonder if this happens to anyone else? It's almost as if when I work out, the blinders are lifted and the inner me and the physical me are more aligned, fit together better. It's like when my equilibrium is messed up because of fluids in my ears. I bump into walls because I don't know where I am...where I think I am is not where I am at physically . But when the fluid goes away, my equilibrium returns, and my mind and my body are in balance. I am physically where my brain thinks I am. I hope this makes sense.

Either way, it's a bizarre sensation, looking at myself and seeing myself differently. I might not feel that way a few hours later, but when I exercise again, it returns. And really. If I keep working out consistently, the blinders will stay off longer and longer, and hopefully, eventually I will always see myself more clearly.

Define: Angst

Sitrep: Can you guess?

A kind of fear or anxiety; Angst is German for “fear.” It is usually applied to a deep and essentially philosophical anxiety about the world in general or personal freedom. *

Basically, that's been my kind of day today. Filled with Angst.

It started with Steve (little's stepdad) going in for his back operation this morning. Started at 8:30am, out at 1:30pm. He's now out of recovery and doing well, from the text I got from Michelle.

And continued with the BB. Ah, the joys of the BB. Sometimes I don't understand myself. Why do I read the posts when I know they're going to upset me? Why do I read the posts in potentially upsetting threads by people whose posts I know are going to upset me. It's like being in the room and watching mother and daughter have an emotional, verbal knock-down-drag-out battle. Emotionally draining. I just get so frustrated when I witness stuff like this. Someone being "attacked" because they posted a differing viewpoint. I'm sure I've done it before; I try not to as a general rule. But I'm not perfect. I just hate what I see as the typical knee-jerk reaction of isolationist Americans. (In my viewpoint, anyway). It's the type of angry reaction that's rhetoric filled, builds a wall, fosters hate.

This has been the kind of day that drives me to eat poorly...and since I happen to have several boxes of Girl Scout cookies on my desk - this is not a good thing. So in my effort to not eat a box of Thin Mints in the course of one 8 hour work day, I've devoured my finger nails. Sigh. And they were looking so pretty, too. I haven't chewed them since January 1st. That's almost 2 whole months.

Okay. So I've vented plenty on bad stuff. Now I'm going to vent on good stuff. :)

1) Got to see my little sister this morning because I drove her to school. Sshe's staying at her dad's a few blocks from my house, and her school is right by my work so she's catching a ride in to town with me.

2) I get to see my little sister every morning the rest of this week because I'm driving her to school.

3) I got to see a litter of newborn labrador puppies at lunch and got to bottle feed one of the pups. :) There's something about the smell and feel of newborn and weeks old puppies that's so relaxing. One of our vendors takes their dog to work, and she had her litter overnight. So I stopped by during lunch. There was a steady stream of people stopping by to see them. :) The Mama Dog is doing great. She had 10 puppies; her first litter! Six boys, four girls. And they are all healthy looking and very noisy. But oh, so sweet. I held a couple of them. Got to bottle feed one, as they are rotating them on/off the mother. I guess she can only feed so many at a time, so they're supplementing with formula.

4) My new boss' daughter just stopped by with their two new puppies. Chocolate brown Cocker Spaniels, 2.5 months old.

Ahhh. Now that's the way to end a day. I'm all smiley and happy feeling now. I just have to keep thinking about those puppies, that's all.

And hope to heaven that my dog doesn't get too bent out of shape when I get home tonight. ;) I've cheated on her with 13 other dogs today! Soon to be 14, as my coworkers Great Dane is outside in her car, waiting to go out to O'Toole's tonight. ;)

*"angst." The American Heritage® New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy, Third Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2005. 20 Feb. 2008. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/angst.